Loneliness

It was October 2019 and I was having a really tough time. I came out as transgender earlier that year and I had just had to deal with the worst Disney vacation ever. I love Disney and Disney World has such an emotional effect on me. Spending it with transphobic parents just made it miserable despite the efforts of the wonderful cast members.

I had begun to get the feeling that no one would ever want to be with me romantically. Who would really want to date an ugly trans girl like me? I ended up crying myself to sleep every night for a whole week. Surprisingly this depressive mood didn’t last long.

Avery

After my depressive week, I was relaxing on a Discord voice call with a bunch of friends on a transgender Discord server. We ended up talking about drawing and I drew some of the members. One of the people who was in the chat said not to draw her… or draw her… but don’t draw her. OK, I chose to be clever and drew the collar she was wearing. Unbeknownst to me, she liked the image and posted it to her Twitter. We ended up being the last two people on the voice call that night and we talked about software-defined radios. I was amazed to have a new friend who was into radio stuff, but it turned into so much more. Turns out she’s into just about everything I am into. I noticed that I started to catch feelings and I created a role on the server for myself: Interested in dating a member of this server. Time goes on and some of us were in a voice call again, Avery being one of them. One of the other members noticed the role and asked who it was. I had everyone agree for me to “spill the beans”, and Avery was the last to agree. She said she already knew who it was, but I had her agree anyway. I spilled the beans and it made for a really sweet night. Afterwards we decided to take it on the slower side, but being lesbians, that still didn’t last long. A few weeks later in November we made it official and we were girlfriends! She opened up to me about her insecurities and I cherish the trust she puts in me.

Christmas Vacation

Towards the end of November, I invited Avery to come and visit me for Christmas. I was going to ask for her to stay for a week, maybe (if I was lucky) she would want to stay until New Year’s day. When I asked her to come over from California, she wanted to stay for three weeks at least. She had a lot of anxiety over the situation because we had only known each other through the internet, and both of our therapists told us to be careful.  Once Christmas started getting closer, she flew out to Syracuse. I picked her up, and I will always remember my first sight of her.  I really expected her to sleep on the drive back home and for the rest of the day. We instead talked the whole time. We ended up falling asleep on the couch together. Her trip went wonderfully and in January, once the parking fee back in Sacramento was getting a bit too steep, we both knew she had to fly back. Neither of us wanted to be apart for so long, and Avery asked me to fly out with her! 

That was the first time I flew without my parents, and it felt really nice: to actually have so much freedom from them. When we got to CA I was amazed at the little things that were different. Avery showed me her college, as well as a sticker she left that was still there. It was absolutely wonderful having Avery show me California and her hometown. I loved getting Dutch Bros. with her in the morning and driving to Lookout Point, enjoying the sunrise, and picking locks off of the fence (These were not legally placed locks). We packed her stuff up and we headed off on a route through the northern parts of the country, so we could visit our mutual friend who invited us to the Discord server of which we met. The drive, while long and fairly boring, was wonderful spending that time with Avery. After one sour experience in Ohio, we were back home. Now home for Avery too. We got back into the swing of life and the routine of me going off to work.

Polyamorous Adventure

One night, Avery introduced me to a friend of hers from college. Turned out we were all polyamorous and I asked Avery if she would be interested, then she asked her friend. Her friend already had a girlfriend (who was under-age and should have been a huge red-flag) in New York. She wanted to move to NY, so I offered for her to stay with Avery and myself for a bit, but that became an offer to be in a polycule.  In the middle of this, Avery proposed to me! I was so happy about it, but the friend wanted in as well. I eventually had to revoke my “yes” to the friend’s proposal because it really wasn’t working out. Long story short: the friend ended up being abusive of my time and effort among other things, and it took a lot of effort, but I told her I couldn’t handle her living with me anymore. This kicked off two of the hardest weeks ever. She ended up telling Avery to move out with her, and that I would leave Avery too. She got in between Avery and myself and wreaked havoc. It got bad enough to the point where I had to accept the possibility of Avery leaving. Neither Avery nor myself wanted that to happen, and Whenever her friend brought it up, she shot it down. I tried so hard to just get the abusive friend out. She ended up leaving a ton of stuff for me to deal with, but thankfully I have some absolutely wonderful friends who came over to help me move her stuff out. Since she moved out, she’s been trying to get back with both Avery and myself, but neither of us are happy with what she did and won’t let the friend get close. I will never let anyone possibly come between my soulmate and myself ever again.

Sweden

Recover was really hard from that situation, and the current political climate of this country does NOT help, especially considering I’m transgender. I really don’t want my life and rights to be in question because of someone else’s feelings. Avery and I started looking into moving out of the country, and Iceland looked really nice, apart from a few things. A close friend of mine had already decided his path was to eventually move to Sweden, and he pitched the idea to me. I already had a friend in Sweden, so I started looking into it. It checked all of the boxes from LGBTQ+ friendly, to the political climate. 

After reviewing the basic politics, economy, and logistics, Avery and I have chosen Sweden as our final destination. The goal is to have a house with a view of mountains, and to be within biking distance (if possible) of a train station that we can take to get into Stockholm for our jobs during the week. We would love to be able to watch the snowfall and be cuddled up in our house drinking coffee. 

Now we’re both looking for job offers. I hope to get an offer and prepare to move out in 6-ish months (basically as soon as possible). We both want out of this country and Sweden is out way to do it. While we know it’s not required we are learning Swedish and it’s so much fun talking to her (or at least trying to) in Swedish.

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Elizabeth

As an engineer, I make stuff. it's my love and time-sink. There's a great big beautiful tomorrow, and tomorrow is just a dream away. (She / Her)

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